Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
