4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize