I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
