Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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