The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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