My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Randomize