She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
