Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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