You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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