the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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