dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
