Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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