How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize