The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
