I can tuck mytits in my pants
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
