I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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