dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
