so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
