At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
