but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i think i just lost a toe
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