theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
