Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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