He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Randomize
