I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
