Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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