Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize