I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
