took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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