The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
