I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
