You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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