2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
this hospital has no fireball
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
