but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
