what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
