first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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