at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
