dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
