so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
porn star boner night. come get it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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