if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
