your parents love me but you hate me
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
