i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
