According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
