Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I am midnight drunk by noon
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
