Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
