you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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