Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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