whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
