Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize