i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
