her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
