How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
