Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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