I wish my penis had an off switch
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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