umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
