I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
