Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
