His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize