operation harelip BJ is a go
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
