it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
