What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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