I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
