think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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