Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
it glows. i had to have it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
