So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize