I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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